Finding Joy
I remember being in second grade; Mrs. Fish, my teacher, asked the class to draw a picture of any insect we wanted-I’m assuming we were learning about insects. I drew a fly. I found an image in a book and sketched it the best I could. I labeled all the parts of the ant and wrote about the anatomy of a fly and why flies were created. I’m unsure why I chose to draw or write about a fly. I was young and was sure I wouldn’t pass this exercise with flying colors (for lack of better words)
When the due date came, I reluctantly turned in my work to Mrs. Byrd. Imagine my surprise when the grade I received was A+. Mrs. Byrd had me stand in front of the class and show my picture and the detail of the anatomy. I lived in a dysfunctional home and rarely heard praise for anything I did, so hearing this from my teacher made me smile. I don’t necessarily remember what Mrs. Byrd said about my presentation, but I will never forget how it made me feel. When I was in seventh grade, I was walking home from school a car pulled up next to me. It was my second-grade teacher Mrs. Byrd. She rolled down her window and yelled, “Monya, I still have the fly you drew. It’s hanging on the wall in my room. It’s fabulous.” I felt special at that moment and wrote about it in my journal when I got home.
I believe that from that young experience, I learned it’s not necessarily what you say. It’s more important how you make someone feel. I’m fifty-nine years old, and I still remember how that felt.
Some of the limiting beliefs we commonly hold onto may sound like this:
- I’m not good enough
- I’m not worthy of happiness in my life
- I’m not smart enough to achieve what I most deeply desire
- It’s my responsibility to make others happy.
- If I don’t do it, it will never get done. Everyone expects me to do everything.
- I must be the peacemaker for everyone and everything that goes wrong.
- Everything is always my fault.
- I’m not the ‘problem’ child, so I must be perfect.
- I have to say ‘yes’ or I will be judged.
Many people believe:
- If I do enough, I’ll be enough
- If I could lose 30 pounds, I’ll be happy
- If I could get the raise I deserve, I’ll be happy
- If I had a more excellent car, people would have more respect for me
- I’ve made so many mistakes; no one will ever forgive me
- If I only looked like ______, I’d be popular
- If I don’t express my feelings, I’ll be safe
These thoughts and feelings are not true; they are beliefs we have created in our minds, not facts. When I realized I had many of these limiting beliefs, I wanted to research more about why I had put these thoughts in my head.
The first time I recall having these beliefs was at a very young age. My stepdad always had the best car; he bought a Trans-Am the first year they were manufactured. It was white and had a giant blue bird painted on the hood. He was proud of that car; everyone loved it when he drove it to church. They loved him. I believed that if I had nice things, maybe people would love me too. When I was old enough to get a job and make my own money, I bought the best clothes, hoping to gain friends and be popular.
I now understand that many of my limiting beliefs as a child carried into adulthood. I have never allowed myself to get close to other women, thinking I might say or do something they could make fun of. When I was diagnosed with permanent facial paralysis, the word ‘permanent’ cut me to the core. I would never smile with my teeth again. My right eye does not blink. The effects of that diagnosis have caused me to dig deep and discover who I am. It’s taken me years and many heartaches to find out what brings me joy finally, and it’s not my car, clothes, shoes, or hair. I’m not perfect; I’m unapologetically me. Trying to make peace out of the chaos I sometimes get myself into.
One of the most important lessons I have learned as an adult is I get to choose every day to set myself free from those limiting thoughts, and I get to choose whom I want in my life and when to say ‘no’ and finally Perfect is Boring.
-Be Present, Not Perfect
Monya Williams
